Does my son take sugar?

Eithne Ring

CHAPTER ONE

The Beginning

I cannot remember when I realised my period was late. I was probably a little worried initially and just tried to convince myself I was worrying unnecessarily, but I quickly became extremely worried and it was soon my every thought. I didn’t discuss my fears with anyone, I couldn’t. If I said anything the secret would be out. I was just hoping for one large miracle and hoping and praying that my fears would turn out unfounded.

But the fear just got worse and worse and it came to a stage that I just had to find out if I was pregnant. I knew I had to find out. I couldn’t dream of buying a pregnancy kit in the local pharmacy, It was far too risky. Surely, they would know it was for me and then the whole town would know. I hadn’t spoken to anyone about my fears, so I had to think of another way of buying a test. I wasn’t driving either so I couldn’t go to the next town to buy a pregnancy kit. But of course, we had them where I worked: I was at that time a medical secretary and assistant at a busy doctor’s practice in Westport. I would have to go in early in the morning and do the test in the surgery. What if someone came in when I was doing the test? They would know my story. What if my boss came in early? And I still remember to this day, knowing and realising that the pregnancy kits were expensive. I was conscious I was going to use one of the kits and not pay for it. I felt like I was stealing. But I couldn’t offer to pay, as my boss would know I was pregnant. I had to do this secretly, by myself, and simply tell no one.

Working at Dr Kelly’s had taught me how to calculate a due date: you took the last menstrual date and added seven days and nine months. I always thought that formula was kind of cool, at least until the last week of September 1983, when I had to calculate my own dates. As teenagers, we secretly worried about a pregnancy but we equally thought, as people do, that it would never happen to us.

In the early 1980s, every so often you would hear a whisper about a pregnancy, and the story would become big news around town. A lot of women finding themselves pregnant would often end up getting married even though they were young and oftentimes it worked out well. Lots of times the couple would have ended up together anyway, it may just have happened a little earlier, though I often wonder how much of a strain that put on a couple in their married life. I’m sure they were often ‘forced’ into marriage, sometimes by their parents and sometimes simply deciding themselves it was the best thing to do. And when something is forced, it can be natural to feel trapped? I have often seen couples who married young because of a pregnancy and in some cases, you feel you can see the divide in their relationship.

If my fear of pregnancy was to be confirmed by a test, I had already worked out that my due date was to be 23 May 1984.

I got dressed for work. I knew that day I looked pale and I didn’t like what I was wearing. A midnight blue skirt and a cream jumper with a round neck. It was boring and probably well-matched to my despondent mood. I remember going into work early and reading the back of the pregnancy kit, how to perform this task, the task that would tell me if my life was going to change forever. I had my morning sample and opened the pregnancy kit with trembling hands and a troubled mind. I think it was five drops of urine mixed with this solution from a pipette. Now, I had to wait, wait to see how my life was going to change. Did I hoover the surgery while I waited? Probably not. Did I start getting the surgery prepped for the days ahead? No. I froze, my life hanging in the balance, all alone in the surgery, all alone, nobody knowing my plight. It was safer nobody knowing. I was in control if it was only me. Nobody could let me down. It was just me. 

And then I looked down on the black square with the green circle outlined. And it was positive. My worst fear was confirmed. I was pregnant. 

Me, pregnant: I was going to have a baby, and nobody knew. The fear was horrendous. And what about my poor baby? No celebration: just a dot in a circle. No more wondering, no more ifs or buts, this was my new reality. I was going to have a baby. No celebration, no excitement. My poor baby. How was he feeling? The innocent child in all of this, my innocent child, my baby. I wanted to protect him, and I failed him from the beginning. I was in deep shock, but in my now-new world I had to get back into normal mode and prep the surgery for start of business. Though it nearly seems like I’m talking about someone else, I think it’s the rawness and the awfulness of what happened just over 30 years ago in Irish society. The feeling of isolation, the feeling of helplessness. Some women were totally alone, had absolutely no one to turn to. I now knew I was pregnant.

And the phone rang again, and I said in my best telephone voice, with no trace of emotion. “Good morning, Dr Kelly’s. Can I help you?”

© EIthne Ring. All rights reserved.